jan marie

Freezepop. Freezypoops. Flava-ice. Flava Flav.

Mothers’ Day

As some of you may know, my mom is crazy. The last time we “spoke” was March 27th, when she refused to drive me to the airport, and on my way out, told me I was never welcome in her house again. Over a résumé. Fine, ok.

Then she left me a voicemail while I was in airport security, that went something like:

Hello Jan Marie, I wanted to really wish you a good flight back, and a happy life. I don’t understand why these things happen to us, but maybe sometime in the future it will be different, I don’t know. But if you want a mother in your life, we have to do something about this. And if you don’t, well, I guess, that’s fine too. And I’m not mad at you, I’m just disappointed in you. I love you, and I don’t know if I’ll talk to you or not talk to you, but.. have a good life. Bye.

When I got off the plane, I had a passive-aggressive e-mail waiting in my inbox accusing me of stealing towels, calling me deceitful and conniving and blah blah blah. A few hours later I got a follow-up e-mail that the “stolen” towel was found hanging on the back of the door, where I left it. Right, ok.

So of course, when this dreaded national holiday started approaching, I started wondering if it would be worse to wish her a Happy Mother’s Day, or not. Friends advised me to send an e-card. But because I don’t have anything sentimental to say, I thought I’d send a funny someecards.com joke card. And in the message, all it said was:

Ha. ;D

Happy Mother’s Day!

-Your Daughter

Bad idea. All-around. This is what I just got back:

Dear Jan Marie- 

I guess this is better than nothing. 
I don’t know what the emoticon means; I don’t know if I should be insulted or not - this could be interpreted two ways. I did not think you wanted any vm from me.
Anyway, thank you I guess
Mom

“Thank you, I guess”??? It took a lot for me to communicate at all, and now that I have, I know it’s not a thing I want to do again. At least not for a very long time.

So if you have a mother, and she does more than tell you you’re incompetent and nothing you ever do will be good enough, go call her right now and tell her you could not be more grateful to have her in your life. Because if you’re not, you should be.

WhyILoveMyBoss.com

Finally uploaded! This is the song I wrote for my friend Chelsea on her wedding day. 

Watch on YouTube here: http://youtu.be/2-EBCGhlZgM

courtesy of my twinsie, tinybuttons.

(Source: blasphemiess)

He smells good, he tastes good, he feels.. good. So you lie to everyone around you about what you’re doing, who you’re doing it with. Waiting for things to feel real.

You wait..
And you wait..
And you wait s’more.. 

But surprise! Nothing is real. You break down, slowly, then quickly all at once, because you can not handle the fiction. 

And in the end? You wake up alone. 

I don’t want to be your ball and chain
I just can’t keep hanging on
To you and me

Were you lying all the time? Was it just a game to you? 
But I’m in so deep.. you know I’m such a fool for you
You got me wrapped around your finger
Do you have to let it linger? Do you have to?

Turns out it’s not just Eminem songs that make me sick to my stomach, it’s old school hip hop and asparagus too. And there is literally no hiding because I spent too much time tangling myself in the web, and making so many nice threads along the way. Now it’s all connected, with no hope for separating anything from anything else. The only answer is to just keep weaving.

And maybe de-friending. :-/

We touch I feel a rush
We clutch it isn’t much
But it’s enough to make me wonder what’s in store for us
It’s lust, it’s torturous
You must be a sorceress ‘cause you just
Did the impossible
Gained my trust don’t play games it’ll be dangerous
If you fuck me over
‘Cause if I get burnt imma show you what it’s like to hurt
‘Cause I been treated like dirt before you
And love is “evol”
Spell it backwards I’ll show you

I get physically sick now every time I listen to this. Yet somehow today it became the most played song in my iTunes library. Figures; I’ve been a masochist for the past few months.

Taking the slow road out of the ground, and going it alone. Do you have a penis and find me attractive? Oh, then I probably left you a voicemail this weekend telling you we can’t be in contact for a while. Because connection is a joke, and attraction is not a catalyst; it stands alone. 

Except for that one time (which isn’t, to be clear, this time). So before sailing into self-repair territory, I took with me one small reminder of what it’s like to honestly connect. To feel, again, “true love for 30 minutes.”

Promise me if I cave and then break and leave myself open that I won’t be makin’ a mistake..

I don’t trust anything I feel anymore.

And “detached” is the word of the day.